Warn… typed this up and then couldn’t stop myself, it’s long but advice is appreciated (needed?..)

This can’t be real. After avoiding mirrors. Hating mirrors. Smashing one. Gosh I fucking hate reflections. After hating myself for so long (and still).

Now, I can’t push this aside like I would other problems. I just wanted to be a normal 18 year old. Round off the school year. Get college plans in place. Parties, hangouts, something like that. But now it’s different. Now I know I’m trans (fuck, I’ve never said that anywhere…), and I can’t push through things the same way anymore, although I'm now putting so much more effort in to try. I barely even had my shit together before, likely to some ADHD(/autism?? I don’t know..) that already felt like the biggest hurdle trying to grasp and get tested for (very little progress made on that front). Now I feel like I’ve been living a complete lie up to this point, and I’ll have to restart but on hard mode. I don’t know what to do. The people in my life are limited and I have a really hard time articulating my points, let alone my feelings, I don’t know who to talk to or ask for advice. I feel like walls are being pushed up against me.

My mom is really great and I love her so much, but it’s always hard to get a read on her since she’s busy and exhausted near constantly. She’s indifferent about queer people, and doesn’t really have a good understanding of them. She grew up in a conservative third-world country and is really prideful of her religion; I don’t think she’ll be receptive. Even just growing my hair out she’s made half-jokes of her having a son, not a daughter. My hair isn’t even that long yet, but I stopped cutting it a while ago before understanding why I wanted to see it longer.

My friends are… great. I’m aren’t worried about their opinions on me whenever I decide that I want to tell them, but now is a really bad time. I’m used to keeping up appearances for a long time even when I’m not doing well, so the sudden shift to the absolute mess I am internally right now is just too much. We have so little life experience, and we’re practically still kids. They don’t have the resources or capacity to deal with me as I am right now, and I’m not willing to put that burden on them.

For now I’ll look through objects, my work, and even people that are standing in front of me far more often now, even more than with my other undiagnosed issues, just struggling to keep this… machine… active. I will walk around and get my day done as I usually would but in such a disconnected state knowing that this flesh sack is an illusion I’m using to make everything look like it’s ok when I know I’m walking through a full scale production of lies. I’ll spend time with my friends silently begging they would stop repeating the name of a person that doesn’t exist. I’ll get home and make dinner for my brother who since he was a baby has always seen me as the best big "brother" in the world. I’ll go to my desk and (try to) get some work done wishing I at least had my own room to store stuff in for expressing myself in (not on purpose, this place is all we can afford). When I go to bed I can either listen to stuff on my earbuds to keep the feels at bay or cry anyway knowing there’s no room, time, or place in my life to be anything other than what the flesh on the outside appears to be. I’ll remember how I’ve realized who I am now at no worse possible time, where people like me are having their rights stripped and threats to be hurt and/or killed. And I’ll live that cycle over and over again. For how much longer? I don’t fucking know. But what’s a little longer when I’ve been doing it that way already… why do I have to be so fucked up…

I’m trying for any sort of advice, I know my circumstances aren’t helping and my thoughts are disconnected and rambly (as they usually are)… this is the first time I’ve ever really opened up about my (not just trans) feelings before to a place other than animals or random plushies (lmao..), and it's also quite late in the night for me, but I can try and explain some more stuff. I just have no vision on where I go from here other than really bad places…

i'm glad you found out about yourself. i know this feels crushing, and probably comes in a time in which you have a lot more to worry about. for more practical advice the country you live in might be very helpful. bc national and local situations vary widely. (you say it's late at night, so we do not live in the same time-zone, unfortunately.)

I’m used to keeping up appearances for a long time even when I’m not doing well, so the sudden shift to the absolute mess I am internally right now is just too much.

that's the case for any crisis. people cope until they can't. up until that point, they are "fine" when asked. if you trust them, let them know how you feel.

We have so little life experience, and we’re practically still kids. They don’t have the resources or capacity to deal with me as I am right now, and I’m not willing to put that burden on them.

maybe they don't have to "deal with you". just listening for an evening and then call you differently might be a big relief for you already. you might even be surprised, what they are willing to do.

i wish you the best of luck. and in any case seek out fir a somewhat local support group. all of us need queer networks. not only if things go sideways, but for all the practical advice, and the feeling that there are a few real people with faces, who will be on your side.

As @phr@discuss.tchncs.de mentioned friends are generally there for you if you're going through a crisis. If you can reach out to one or two of your closest friends and just talk to them it can really help. It sounds like you've been letting this build up for a while now (even if it is probably not intentional). Just getting it off your chest can be big help too.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to anyone you already know irl I understand that too and maybe you can try a helpline or similar though I personally had limited success with those. If you just need something easy you can also feel free to DM me on Lemmy and we can schedule a call or something.

If you want some slightly more long term advice this is where I'll put it:
If you think you have the capacities to go to college I can only recommend it, generally everyone is a lot more accepting (at least in the natural sciences) and if you get to move away from your current family that can also be a big positive shift in your life, especially if you end up with good roommates. Colleges also make it a lot easier to get into things like therapy which really helped me when I had problems.

I haven't proof read this yet but I figured just writing something out would be best. Feel free to ask me questions if you have any, especially if I was unclear.

thx... I've been reading the comments but only now have I gotten some proper time to respond.

I'm in the US EST. my closest friends are the path of least resistance right now, so I'll try my best and maybe update later..

i'm rooting for you! :3

I'm planning on talking with two of my close friends but I'm still building some sort of structure for that, I know if I go in blind I'll end up backing out of it.

I've got decent backing for college stuffs and am now really pushing to go in NYC. I already love the area so much, and I know (most of) the people there on the right side of this stuff. I can't stand the thought of going local and staying where I am now, but there's that little chance which scares me...

I'm not so sure about helplines.. I just can't see myself talking to someone I don't even know, much less over a phone/screen, but I guess it's there if I ever need it.

thx ❤️❤️

I've looked into HRT a bit and I'll continue following your advice, but I'm strongly considering it, especially now that I see there's some kind of path for it... just being able to see some sort of plan ahead is so so helpful for my mindset, tysm ❤️

planned parenthood near me is a little far but I think it might be transit accessible which I can definitely do. if I ever decide to, what can I expect with a place like that in general? would I have to go pick up prescriptions elsewhere?

You would probably have to pick up any prescriptions at a separate pharmacy, I've never heard of a clinic that had their own. It's basically just like a doctor appointment anywhere else, you schedule a time and come in, wait for them to call you into the back, probably wait a bit longer, then tell the provider why you're there.

I can’t speak too much about the trans side. But i want to share that ADHD is quite manageable with medication, I got diagnosed about a year ago and wow it’s wild the difference it makes. I even got better at working with myself while off the medication.

Honestly it could be an easier thing to look into while you figure yourself out. If you do have it then getting some support should make figuring things out a little easier.

I’d be happy to talk more about this if you like. Either way i truly hope things begin to work out going forward, it can be truly daunting to already have struggles then suddenly having the weight of gender identity issues thrown on top.

Count me as someone else who strongly, strongly identifies with what you're going through, particularly with executive dysfunction and the feeling of keeping on until you know you can't keep on.

You're not alone. I'll say that if I had known at 18 I was trans I'd be in a far better place than I am now. I am obliged to recommend AskTransgender@lemmy.blahaj.zone, which I am an ancillary moderator of. You are always welcome!

Don't give up. It is scary now, actually, no, its shatteringly awful, but you are still here. What has been discovered cannot be taken from you, it is a part of you now. That small part of your identity loves and nurtures the rest of your whole soul. I hope this reads as more than simply platitudinous.

yeah working on getting that help seems like a smaller task now comparatively speaking. I'll try my best.

and yes yes tips are appreciated!! I can say right now is that I don't resonate at all with the hyperactive struggles, more with the inattentive bits, and especially with the descriptions of executive dysfunction. My mom is also one of those people that repeats the old lie that "everyone has a little bit of ADHD", but I suspect that's more ignorance than maliciousness.

tsym again for the honesty and thoroughness of your responses ❤️ it's helping me figure out what I need to do and the order I'll prioritize them

I have a pharmacy nearby that I usually pick up my prescriptions from, but now that you mention the people issue I'll have to consider that factor. Injections sound doable to me and I'll take a look at the other options as well. As for having kids, the idea just isn't for me.

currently looking for a parttime job that's accessible to me (walk, bike, transit) and I'll set that as higher priority. I do have some money from an as needed/contract type thing I'm doing but it's not reliable

Yep, there’s two different kinds and that’s the one i believe i have.

Caffeine (especially misuse) can help in the short term but definitely try to see a psychiatrist to get proper medication, it may take a while and be expensive but it’s absolutely worth it imo.

I feel for the older folks, ingrained in them that they just didn’t try hard enough instead of having unseen and ignored challenges. Can you imagine being 50-60 and suddenly taking a magic pill that makes things easier? “oh my god is this how easy it is for normal people?”

Any questions or if you just would like to rant, my DMs are open anytime. ADHD, trans or other stuff. I feel we may have some similar challenges!