Pro tip: Steps 1 and 2 can go in either order.

Step 0: You don’t. You are Cat’s subject, all you ever were belonged to Cat when you were no more than a gleam in your parents’ eyes. “Negotiation” is devoid of meaning to you. You are perfectly happy.

was this written by the cat?

blink twice if you need help

My girl cat insists it is tea time, but the boy cat has gone back to bed and doesn’t seem hungry at all. Curious.

It turns out they really hadn’t had their tea. Clearly I suspected the wrong one.

What's "tea time" for cats? Their feeding time?

step 3: the cat has altered the deal. pray the cat doesn't alert it any further

Ah yes, The Art of the Deal.