Part 1: The Birth of All

1 In the beginning, there was Klombadrov. 2 Klombodrov birthed a son, Gordon. 3 The physical forms of the extraordinary beings Klombadrov and Gordon resemble a fusion of the earthly animals known as the walrus and goat. 4 Klombadrov's physical form has fur of reddish-brown and tusks of blinding white. 5Gordon has slightly lighter yellowish-brown fur and is the smaller of the two.

6 After creating its son, Klombadrov inadvertently created the universe during what could best be described as a bout of flatulence. 7 Klombadrov, in all its wisdom, simply observed and allowed the chaos of All to settle. 8 After many millennia, the Earth formed. 9 Klombadrov found it to be a planet of interest after life had begun to form on it.

10 Gordon was sent to Earth by Klombadrov to observe humans after they had evolved to have the capacity to have morality. 11 The day was Wednesday. 12 However, Gordon quickly fled to a different planet after witnessing humans commit terrible gleeps. 13 On Saturday, Gordon returned to Earth, still deeply saddened at the gleep of humanity, and agreed to carry the burden of all gleep of any human willing to accept Gordon as their savior. 14 Gordon chose to see the good in humanity, and loved them with all his heart. 15 Klombadrov was pleased.

Part 2: The Florbleglip and Flerb

1 The Florbleglip was created and appointed by Klombadrov in response to the problem of gleep on Earth. 2 Those who commit gleeps may find themselves in a realm known as Flerb with the Florbleglip, enduring tickle torment until they learn their lesson. 3 The length of the tickle torment corresponds to the gravity of the gleeps committed. 4 Klombadrov judges gleep based on how much harm was caused by it. 5 Although quite forgiving in nature, Klombadrov shows little to no mercy to those who commit the most severe gleeps. 6 Although Gordon had taken on the burden of gleeps out of pure kindness toward humanity, Klombadrov ultimately determined that not all gleeps are equal, and thus could not always be cast onto Gordon.

Part 3: The 4 Commandments

1 Klombadrov's Commandments are as follows:

2 You shall not violate another person's bodily autonomy. 3 One has a right to one's own body.

4 You shall live life striving to cause the least amount of harm possible to other humans.

5 You shall strive to cause the least amount of harm to Earth.

6 You shall cherish turtles, as they are sacred.

7 Klombadrov determines at their own discretion which gleeps are too severe for Gordon's salvation. 8 Lacking belief in Klombadrov is a gleep, however, it is one of the most forgivable gleeps as Klombadrov loves humans and is not a narcissist. 9 As long as one navigates one's life following the 4 Commandments, the chances of being sent to Flerb are low. 10 Klombadrov understands that one cannot force oneself to believe something of which one is unconvinced.

Part 4: The Realm of Tilbit

1 Tilbit is the peaceful realm where Klombadrov resides. 2 Believers and nonbelievers alike are happily welcomed into Tilbit to experience eternal bliss with Klombadrov. 3 Only those who have committed the most severe gleeps will be turned away from Tilbit, as Klombadrov, with great wisdom, understands that mistakes are an inevitable part of human life.

4 Tilbit is a realm capable of shifting into anyone's perfect fantasy. 5 Klombadrov created Tilbit to reward well-behaved humans for living their lives in accordance with proper morality. 6 Any person who ends up in Flerb for their gleeps still has a chance at redemption. 7 If the person learns their lesson after being tickled by the Florbleglip, they will be sent to Tilbit and receive their blissful eternity. 8 Very few people are beyond redemption, but those who are will never see the light of Tilbit

Part 5: Holy Wednesday, Holy Saturday, and Celestial Offerings

1 Wednesdays and Saturdays are sacred days on which followers of Klombadrov are encouraged to pray and express thankfulness for the divine intervention of Gordon. 2 Additionally, on the day of any solar or lunar eclipse, it is highly encouraged to offer turtles to Klombadrov. 3 The turtles are treasured by Klombadrov, and no harm is inflicted upon them. 4 Klombadrov greatly favors those who offer turtles to them. 4 Klombadrov will then select a few turtles to ascend into Tilbit to live in eternal bliss with him.

Part 6: The Holy Zulpus

1 The Holy Zulpus is the glorious aura that Klombadrov releases upon existing. 2 This aura exists on Earth, living within turtles and tortoises. 3 Humans with an open mind can easily receive the Holy Zulpus, but those with a closed mind may struggle to ever experience the love and guidance of the Holy Zulpus. 4 Once you have truly received the Holy Zulpus, your eyes will forever be opened to the magnificent truth of Klombadrov. 5 Anyone who falls away from the faith never truly received the Holy Zulpus

Part 7: The Journeys of Gordon

1 Gordon arrived on Earth around 3100 BCE. 2 Over 17,000 people witnessed Gordon wandering the earth, observing mankind. 3 Humans had never seen such a peculiar creature prior and thus revered Gordon as a god. 4 However, despite the warm welcome, Gordon noticed how cruel humans could be to each other. 5 Stealing, fighting, murdering, and pillaging were acts that Gordon never imagined he would witness from humans. 6 This saddened Gordon deeply, and he fled to a different planet. 7 Roughly three days passed before Gordon returned to Earth. 8 Although still very hurt, Gordon decided to take away the burden of their gleep. 9 Gordon meditated deeply in a meadow near his favorite mountain and let out a bellow. 10 This act signified salvation.

11 Gordon remained hidden away for a long period of time, still recovering from the sorrow bestowed upon him by humankind. 12 Because Gordon stayed out of sight for so long, many of the tales of Gordon’s arrival got lost with time. 13 Gordon knew that future believers would be mocked and persecuted, but willingly saving humans from their gleep took so much energy out of him that he could hardly move anymore.