The least narrow sandwich in human history.

According to the internet, a grown ass donkey can carry up to around 80kg, and the good book says Jesus was riding one, so we should assume this is somewhat the upper limit for his mass

Unless they had stronger donkeys back then.

Could have been a lot of selective breeding for decreased stubbornness sacrificing load capacity as a tradeoff during the last two thousand years.

They could theoretically have been capable of hauling 500lb behemoths without breaking a sweat
but unwilling to follow any comnands 🤷🏻

Btw grown ass donkey 😁

The mastodonkey

He could walk on water, does that give a lower limit on mass?

Rev 1:14-16, New International Version has Jean-Baptiste's account of Jesus's appearance:

14The hair on his head was white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. 15His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. 16In his right hand he held seven stars, and coming out of his mouth was a sharp, double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.

He has white hair. ✅

He fit on a cross. I assume those were fairly standard in size. The Roman’s seemed like real schticklers for detail and order. I can’t see them going to Barney’s Discount Cross Emporium to save a few drachma.

No that was magic. He also applied the water walking buff on one of his friends, who then right-clicked the buff off and found out he can't swim

Well then, how can we be sure he didn’t just cast the donkey riding spell?

I checked the shaman's spellbook and they don't have that spell, only Paladins have that

Edit: to clarify, I believe Jesus was a shaman because he could walk on water, resurrect from death (ankh), and as a carpenter he was probably well capable of crafting totems. There's also documented cases of him going melee combat (with tables, mostly) and healing others too

The food trick implies that he had a friendly mage though conjuring food, though he took the credit for himself

And a sharp tongue, which isn't usually a physical description.

Maybe he used it for cutting his veggies. We will never know

That's just his SSJ form though

nothing in there about clothes, hmmmmm

jesus is famously a warlock, what with the getting his power from a patron deity thing.

a lot of this description is fire related, maybe they just caught Jesus at a bad time?

This reminds me of my book analyses. Grasping at straws just to say something abozt characters.

Something from the Avatar beastary.

You didn’t have to say “grown ass donkey” you could have just said “grown ass.”

Did he yell kamehameha?

I'm over here trying to imagine the possibility that Jesus didn't have a beard.

I think that the person you are replying to meant that the donkey had a fully developed rear end (capable of carrying a heavy load), so it would be a "grown ass ass".

We can begin to extrapolate further. Broke bread, walked on water, ascended.
Christ was a duck.

Hmmm. Depending on how you see it he did get stroger after a near death experience. So that checks out.

Grown ass-donkey

It's a bard spell.

Said he was white though right? Right?

I think you'll find the correct term is asstodon

But then he was also descended from said deity, so celestial-bloodline sorcerer would also make sense?

And through weird extradimensional time shenanigans he is also said deity? I don't understand it myself, but I'm told it makes sense in 12 dimensions.

He was also briefly undead, likely a revenant given the unfinished business.

All of this depends on the edition of the lore you read though. In the beginning he was probably just a warlock multiclassing in cleric, then a supplemental edition has him ascend to demi-god status, which was later ruled actual divinity by a local authority once the franchise changed hands. Later, some of it was retconned and toned down for being too OP in another rulebook, but famously that rulebook wasn't very well accepted even though a sizeable playerbase still exists.

There are later editions where the pathway to divinity is laid out and Jesus is one of many gods, but that rulebook is still considered niche despite some disproportionate influence.

so you're saying lich

"Abozt". One little letter change and all of a sudden the entire sentence can only be read with a cheesy German accent.

I'd say an upper limit on his density, if anything.

Ha or maybe he was as light as a water strider.

Complicated way to say he was a little bitch who would talk shit.

Big Jeezy hangs dong, brother

Well, Mary Magdalene washed his feet, so we know he had a pair of them. But she didn't trim his beard, or shave him so that stays undetermined, yeah.

A single iota of difference...

Presumably hollow limbs that he could fit fish and bread into, and at least some kind of capillary network infused with some form of alcohol

I think we can be pretty sure that he was no T-Rex though. I've never seen someone try, but I'm confident that you can't crucify them with their short arms.

The XKCD hyphen bot is one thing I absolutely do not miss about Reddit.

Also we know he fit at a dinner table, right?

Depends on the size of the table, I guess 🤷🏻

he had a pair of them

You mean at least two of them. All we know for sure is more than one.

The donkeys were smaller in that period

In the book of Matthew, it says he rode two donkeys.

Matthew and Luke copy a lot of stuff from Mark, which was written first. The donkey story is there to fulfill prophesy. It was prophesied that the messiah would ride a donkey into Jerusalem. It also said he would be a king and vanquish their enemies and rule in peace and prosperity, but the New Testament authors figured riding a donkey was close enough.

So Matthew geta to the donkey story and reads the original prophesy. It says "Behold, your king is coming to you, humble, and mounted on a donkey, and on a colt, the foal of a donkey."

This is a poetic way of writing about a single donkey, like saying "he drove a car, he drove a red car."

But Matthew, frankly, fucked up a lot of stuff that he wrote, and he doesn't know this, so he changes everything to plural to fit the prophesy.

So everybody else writes that Jesus had his disciples bring a donkey and they lay their cloaks on it and he sits on it and rides to town. Matthew has them bring two, they lay their cloaks on them and he sits on them and rides to town.

It's unclear how he rode two donkeys. Was one donkey on top of the other and Jesus on top of that? Was it jean Claude van-damme style with him doing the splits between them?

At any rate, if the donkeys spread the load he could have weighed 160kg.

By the way, these donkeys are stolen. Jesus tells his disciples that there was a house back there that had a donkey (or two), go get it (them) for me.

Fair, but given he was poor we must assume it's a typical size table for seder of the time and place

Sorry.

I'd let Jesus ride my ass

Except his dad was a carpenter, so he probably had some excess lumber hookups for building oversized furniture..