As an individual with uninhibited free will, I choose to live in the funniest version of reality.

In my world, Jeffrey Epstein was banned from XBox for being a sex offender, and then got his good buddy Bill Gates to personally unban him. In my world, politicians aren't evil for the most part, they are just extremely stupid, because you have to be stupid to want to be a politician. In my world, Jackie Chan was doing poorly in school, so his parents sent him back to China. In my world the Dodo bird went extinct because it was way too fun to shoot at them with elephant guns. In my world, Jesus Christ was autistic. In my world, taxes are kept in a giant pile in a vault somewhere, and whenever the government needs to pay for something, they shovel money into a wheelbarrow. In my world, if Hitler was born just a few decades later, he'd live off art commissions and unironically have a Pinterest account. In my world, employment in the mafia fell drastically after the word "goon" got a new definition. In my world, Santa Claus is Odin in disguise, and engaging in consumerism is an indirect method of ritual sacrifice. In my world, the steam engine didn't catch on for almost 2000 years, because it was invented by the Greeks, and therefore seen as gay by everyone else. In my world, what people call "reality" is actually just an amalgamation of subjective experiences verified through the scientific method and mass consensus. In my world, there is a secret power plant built around the body of John Harvey Kellogg, who started rolling in his grave when the Kellogg's mascot was first introduced, and his puritan legacy was tarnished. In my world, every problem can be blamed on either the British or the Chinese, with the only exception being blaming the French for casu marzu (which was actually invented by the Italians, but it's still somehow the fault of the French.). In my world, there is no perfection, and everyone who strives for it and holds themselves to an unachievable standard is a jester doing Fortnite dances in an empty room. Silly and pointless. In my world, the humble Croc is objectively the best shoe ever invented, but the Big Foot (not the cryptid, the concept, like Big Pharma) is covering it up to sell us shoes that are bad for our posture and cause bodily defects that can then be perpetually treated by Big Pharma. In my world, autism causes vaccinations. In my world, the Earth is the only stationary object in the universe, and all the other heavenly bodies are moving the way they are as a big prank on humanity, while God waits in the bushes with a camera. In my world, comedy is not tragedy plus time, but tragedy from a distance.

And while these things might not be objectively true, they are all based in reality. They are a doctored version of reality that is still perfectly functional. And it feels better to live in that reality, because in that reality I have control. Because while true reality dictates the facts, I am the one who gets to dictate the context, and I take full advantage of that power.

How does the world look through your eyes?