Let me ask you a question. How do Barbies reproduce?

No, NO, wait! This is a totally serious question. Because, canonically, they do not have genitals. Is it that when a Barbie and a Ken love each oter very very much, they... go to the store to purchase a baby?

You may say "What the fuck is this question? Barbie dolls don't reproduce." Why did they make a pregnant Barbie then? Her name is Midge. Was. They don't make Midge anymore. I wonder why... Maybe because the middle-aged burnt-out mother role isn't really attractive to young girls. The days of going shopping with your girl-friends and yacht parties with Ken's Arab cousin are over, Barbie, now you have responsibility.

The true existential horror in Midge's creation is that: If barbies don't reproduce, but are made, then Midge was made with one purpose in mind, to exist while also being pregnant. Her purpose is to be pregnant. Not to get pregnant, that's the fun part of making a baby, to BE pregnant, and to give birth. Midge is quite literally a plastic womb on unrealistically long legs.

The deeper we go, the stranger it becomes. Canonically, Midge is married to Allan Sherwood, so she isn't a single mother. But the Allan Sherwood looks like he's fifteen! And in the Happy Family line, where he's supposedly merried to Midge, he looks even younger! What the hell? He ain't paying no child support for that magnetic baby. I've seen this man at Barbie’s pool parties, shirtless and carefree. Why isn't he home taking care of his child and wife?

And why do Midge dolls have such a big forhead? Is that an intentional design? I hope it is, because it suits her. A woman with a big forhead is a powerful woman. In the middle-ages, a high fohead was a symbol of status.

In the 1370s, Geoffrey de La Tour Landry wrote a book for his daughters, which was basically a manual of etiquette for young women: Le Livre du Chevalier de la Tour Landry. Among other stories, he wrote that of a widowed gentleman who had recurring nightmares of his wife, who had died shortly before, in which she was tortured by infernal entities. Shortly thereafter, an angel visited him in his dreams and explained to him the reason why his wife was suffering. Yes, the reason was removing the hair from her forehead to be more beautiful. That was what earned her a place in hell.

What was I talking about? Ah! Yes! How baby made? Well, in the world of Barbie, the various Barbies and Kens (as we all know there are two genders, a Barbie and a Ken) are made, not born. They are manufactured. Their memories, personalities, and appearance are designed and created in a factory. Despite the fact that they have personalities, thoughts, presumably even free will, they are made for a purpose.

If you are a Barbie or a Ken, this revelation might be freeing. You were made by a creator to serve a purpose, your existence has meaning. But to an outside observer, that might be terrifying.

The truth is, the Barbies and Kens are kept smooth to keep them free from sin. Do you ever wonder how they could achieve such a high standard of living? How can Barbie afford all these pink convertibles, yachts, elaborate parties and trips to the mall? I'll tell you how. The grace of God. Like the homunculus under my bed, they are pure, because they have never known sin. And therefore their prayers are always answered. "Oh no! I'm going on a date with Ken, but I don't have anything special to wear." And then God said "Be not afraid my plastic child, I shall send giant flesh children to dress you up and do your hair, your body shall look immaculate for your date with Ken." And so it was. And God saw Barbie in her new fancy dress, with a accessory poodle and he said "You go, girl!"

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Screw this! I'm never doing research into niche topics again.